Mean baby.

Today has been a very trying day with Evan. I have a baby that hits. People judge and criticize and give me well meaning but nerve wracking advice about what I need to do as a mother. I mostly get comments like oh no he shouldn't do that. I know that. I have tried everything!
He mostly hits when he is hungry or tired. As of late, he must be going through a growth spurt because he is always hungry or tired. Add 2 to 4 molars coming in.
Anyway the point of this blog is not Evan's mean right hook (but anyone on the receiving end of it knows). The point is a lesson I have learned in patience. This morning after struggling to change a diaper and then being punch and screamed at as I put on Evan's clothes, a huge part of me wanted to throw Ev across the room. Instead I stepped back, let Evan play while he was half dressed. I tried dressing him again and ultimately put the lil guy in his crib and left the room. I came back to a more cooperative little baby. He needed a timeout, and apparently a banana. He was hungry and didn't want anything to do with getting dressed.
When I pick him up from the sitter, I get an angry tired fiend. All day the poor milk junkie is tormented by milk that he cannot have (she nurses her own baby) and immediately wants to nurse. I usually fight him off and he gets all the milk he wants at home. When we got home today, he had the worst meltdown ever and thrashed on the ground while I took off our coats.
At what point do you stop correcting, ignoring or diverting the behavior? And when do you use tough love? Leaving the room today was our first moment of tough love. My hope is that this is a phase and he is just going through too much growing right now. I also hope that people stop telling me how to raise my child, so I can focus on raising my child.
Meanness is a trade off. He is rough but he can take a hit, and the other kids that he knocks down, can knock him down 10 fold without him batting an eye. He also one passionate baby. For as many times I get punched, I also get attack kisses. And for every time I have to scold him, he shows remorse and hugs me. I'm glad that he has feelings even though they are not expressed in a gentle way.

Newborns are easy. Toddlers are hard.

So many people I know are about to have babies and it bring me back to the "sage advice" that I often heard. "Get used to sleepless nights" "You have to feed newborns all the time" "They need to be held, a lot." "They cry a lot"... No shit Sherlock. Its a baby. Babies, and people for that matter, are needy. Yes there is an adjustment period because you are caring for a new human being. Really? how do people even think that kind of garbage is even remotely helpful. Truth of the matter is, I miss having a needy newborn once in a while.
Evan just got over having the worst cold of his life. He had 6 days of fevers, congestion and I cannot begin to describe the terror of opening his diapers.
So with this I am going to respond to the sage advice.
Sleepless nights. Newborns are a lot of work because they require round the clock feedings, and wake up several times a night for feedings. But toddlers do that too, at least mine does. When Evan wakes up now, we still drop everything and comfort the little guy. I am not the parent that thinks he should self soothe. He really can't. He needs to be held and comforted at night. This is the main reason why we bedshare, he needs to nurse and needs to be held. I may have instilled this in him by rushing to comfort him, but he is not ready yet to do it on his own. Sometimes I wish he could but I'm not about to stop rushing to him when he cries for me.
They eat a lot. Newborns only drink milk. When Evan was tiny, I had no problem just nursing him. Toddlers need meals in addition to any milk they also drink. Evan is still breastfed when I'm around. And all night long pretty much. I am lucky if I can get away with nursing him twice in one night. Toddlers are also really messy eaters. Evan can't quite feed himself an entire meal and needs someone to feed him. He is learning utensils but is  not near being self sufficient. I miss just nursing him and knowing that his nutritional needs were met.
They need to be held a lot. Well so do toddlers, and they can ask for it. I cannot do anything without Evan at my feet wanting to be picked up. I can't cook, clean or even use the bathroom sometimes without holding him or risk a tantrum. Sure newborns need to be held all the time but most newborns are not a back breaking 25 lbs, not to mention wiggly squirmy. Evan also does the classic toddler up down up down.
I hate when people tell you that its better when they can sit up, crawl, walk, insert any mobility milestone here. Before all that, I could put Evan down and know he would stay where I put him until I picked him back up. Now I have a mountain climber. He doesn't walk because he is perfectly destructive and can climb up onto anything he needs. I am just grateful that he usually climbs down off the couch rather that diving head first. Besides I think all that it gets better stuff is a crock. Really? I am not thrilled to have a climber. And even if Evan could walk, it doesn't mean he wouldn't want to be held all the time. I think it would just make the up-down game a little worse.
They cry a lot. When a newborn cries, it sweet, a little sad, but sweet. They have a distinctive helpless cry. And though sometimes they are inconsolable, but eventually every baby settles. Crying gets louder and more urgent as they get older. Add tantrums into the mix and you begin to miss the never-ending cry of an inconsolable newborn. Evan gets mad and cries, hits, pulls hair and bites. Show me a newborn that does that. He gets so violent that people judge me as a bad parent. My kid has a temper, ok. He is also very smart, and he much like a 2 year old in the throes of "terrible twos" cannot communicate what he wants or needs and gets frustrated that his speech is not keeping up with his desires.
Don't get me wrong, I love my smart, angsty, restless, hungry, needy toddler, but some days I wish I had that easy newborn again. When people see you with a newborn, they feel compassion when you look disheveled and when you have a toddler that haggard look and the screaming kid, get stares of "she is a horrible mother". We should as a society still have compassion for parents, because it doesn't get easier and you never know what that mom is dealing with. She may just be the greatest mom in the world who puts the needs of a needy one year old before herself.
 

What it comes down to.

I have been trying to find childcare for oh about a month now. Evan's grandmas have been doing a fine job keeping him this summer, but alas, summer is over and Eric's mom is back to school and my mom is back to work. Its very hard to come to a decision to have someone else watch your kid.
I checked out a local daycare center or two. As the lady stood there talking to me while a baby sat and cried in a highchair, I knew it was not for me. Plus they charged too much for the poor care they provided. I decided to look into home daycare.
Originally, I had found a nice DCFS certified home daycare that was close to my work. Everything was neat and orderly. She knew her stuff but could only keep Evan 3 days a week and ultimately made the decision to not keep him at all.
I turned off my search for a while. Until about 2 weeks ago. I turned to my trusty friend craigslist to see what was in the area. Craigslist has never steered me wrong before. And I have a healthy gut instinct with the internet. I looked for over a month to find an apartment because my gut kept saying no.
My first appointment from craigslist turned out to be wrong in my gut. The lady was nice but where she kept the kids was not so nice. Her home was clean but her couch was right by the stairs which is no good for a climber like Evan. She also was not attentive and considered lemonade as a good snack. She had weird parenting ideas like the old notion that sugar makes kids nuts. She also had an obese 5 year old which made me question what she would actually feed my kid.
I went back to craiglist that day and replied to as many posts as I could to see who would respond. I got a few emails back and a few wanted me to drive 30 minutes out of my way. Extra hour away from my baby each day? No thanks. One woman called me that day. I was so happy to get a human response right away. She was so nice and understanding. She has 2 children, including a 2 month baby. Anyone who has the patience to care for a needy toddler and a new baby is someone quite special. I met her last week. At a park. Her husband is also cautiously aware of freaks and weirdos from the internet. She also checked me out on FB and I checked her out on sittercity. Our interview went well. She is attentive and hands on. She feeds her older child well. AND she breastfeeds and cloth diapers. Its hard to find someone in the south suburbs that shares the same values as I do. She is caring and gentle and Evan liked her. And she is only 3 minutes from my job.
I also checked out one more home daycare that was referred to me by Eric's family. I met a very nice caring lady who loved her family and had a lovely home. She had a whole basement set up as a daycare and she really loved what she does. She was patient and kind, and was really all about the children. It came down to one thing. I prefer Evan to eat fresh fruit and have yogurt as a snack just about everyday. She doesn't keep fresh fruit around, and she serves pop tarts for breakfast. Someday Evan will get pop tarts, but now its not the time. She also serves Salisbury steak quite often. Do you know how much salt is in that?
In the end, I went with my gut and chose the woman with similar values as me. I hope it goes well.

Humble Pie and other things

There are several things that I said that I would and would not do as a parent when I was pregnant.

1. Cosleeping. I desperately wanted Evan to sleep in a crib. We tried, but he has not slept a single night in his crib. He used to sleep in a bassinet. I did it right, I would put him down sleepy but awake and he would drift off to sleep. That did not last. He nurses a lot at night. A LOT. At a year old, he nurses about 3 times in the night. Some nights, he will nurse all night. In order to get more sleep, I let him sleep in our bed and it works out fine for us. He doesn't fall out of bed that often, and lately when he falls he lands on his feet just like a cat.
2. Pacifier. As much as I didn't want one in the beginning, I don't know what I would do with out one. He needs his pacifier.
3. Sippy Cups of Milk. I hate milk spills and stinky cups. I intended to give him milk in a regular cup, but we are busy people and its easier to have a sippy cup.
4. TV. The television is on a lot. Evan is still a genius.

Some things I did right and stuck to my guns with.

1. No walker. He doesn't need one. Walkers do not help babies walk sooner. We had a jumperoo and used it between 4 and 7 months, he enjoyed it but just stopped using it.
2. Naked time. As Evan is getting older and doesn't pee all the time, we let Evan go diaper free sometimes.
3. Only breastmilk in a bottle. Well sometimes he got formula, but he never received anything else from the bottle. I judge moms that give their kids pop and kool-aid in bottles. So unnecessary. 
4. Juice and sugary drinks. The epidemiologist in me knows the link between sugar sweetened beverages and obesity. So unless Evan is constipated or dehydrated, no juice. 
5. Sippy cups at one. Evan stopped taking a bottle a week before his first birthday, and we haven't looked back.
6. Snacks in the car. Hello? choking hazard.
7. Carseat. Evan only knows rear facing, and always rides in car seat.

And the unexpected.

1. Crawling around stores. Evan is at an age where he one, has no attention span or patience and two, likes to explore. With that bad combination, he needs to get down in stores. So if I'm not on an epic grocery trip, I let him crawl a bit while I shop. He loves it. I get dirty looks, but he loves it.
2. Cloth diapering. I love it.
3. Baby wearing. I love it, Evan doesn't.
4. Pooping on the potty. Who knew I could get a one year old to sit and poop in the morning?

In a year, I think I have this parenting thing under control. I'm sure there will be other things that come up in the future that I never wanted to do as a parent, but parenting involves being flexible.